We live in a culture where “people have learned to discard
everything from paper plates to spouses” (Bateman & Bateman, 2003). Stephen Duncan and Sara Zasukha developed six Foundational
Processes that will lead to marital success.
#1—Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant
Mormon’s have a slightly different look on the Marriage
agreement than the rest of the world. We look at marriage between a man and a
woman as a covenant between husband, wife, and God. Elder Bruce C. Hafen (2005)
stated, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek
happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as
long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a
covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give
and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.
Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100
percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the
others.”
#2—Love and Friendship
Expressing love is not the same as “being in love.”
Expressing love involves action and commitment. Love becomes a habit within marriage
by continually serving one another. True love often emerges from friendship.
Mike is not only my husband, but also my best friend. He is the one I go to
after a stressful day, and especially on my best days. We not only have a
romantic relationship but also a fun one which involves dancing and laughing
daily. Maintaining that friendship after marriage is important. It is so easy
to get caught up in daily life full of homework, bills, and chores that it is
important to remember why you got married in the first place.
#3—Positive Interaction
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Once you are married those rose
colored glasses come off quickly and you begin to realize all the small stuff
you once ignored. These thoughts can negatively affect the way you interact
with your spouse, and if allowed to deepen can truly threaten your marriage. Instead
of focusing on the bad, focus on the good. There are a lot of great things to
learn about your spouse once you get married. Mike surprised me once we were
married by how determined he was in school and what a good student he was. He
spends hours upon hours studying for a test, when I never had that kind of
attention span. Mike is always quick to pray when we need help and direction,
and he never says no or turns down an opportunity we have to attend the temple.
When I step back and realize all of the wonderful things about Mike, I quickly
forget all the bad things. In marriage, and in life, try your best to make
every interaction positive. Express love often in your thoughts, actions, and
behavior.
#4—Accepting Influence from One’s Spouse and #5—Respectfully
Handle Differences and Solve Problems
I grew up in a wonderful home with “goodly parents,” and I
thought things were done perfectly in my home. When I got married I had to
accept that my ways were not always the right ways. Decisions are difficult to
be made when each are set in their ways. Speaking of Mikes awesome studying
skills; when Mike studies for a test he will study for days and weeks in
advance, yet, before every test he stays up until one, two, or even three a.m.
studying for his test. I used to get so upset with Mike, telling him that he
needed his sleep, especially the night before a big test. He disagreed,
however, and thought it was more important to study as much as possible. When I
stepped back and let down my pride I realized that maybe I was wrong. While
logically it makes sense that getting your sleep before a big test is the best
key to success, I realized that Mike was acing all of his tests, and then would
come home, take a nap, and be ready for the day again. Sometimes (and most of
the time in marriage) we need to let down our pride and accept influence from
our spouse.
#6—Continuing Courtship through the Years
My husband and I are both obsessed with the medical field; I
am a nurse and he is studying to become a physical therapist. The medical term “atrophy”
refers to the loss of muscle over time as a result of lack of use. A
relationship and marriage works the same way as a muscle in the body, without
constant use and exercise it can waste away. This is why courtship and dating
is so important after marriage. My husband and I find a variety of things we do
together in order to continue our courtship and have fun with one another to
distract us from everyday problems. A few of the things we love doing together
include watching the TV show Bones, taking drives up the canyon and watching
movies in the back of our pickup truck, going out for dinner, and going to the
dollar movie. Our dates aren’t extravagant and often cost little to no money,
but it is important for us to spend one on one time together, away from the cares
that home life involves such as doing homework and paying the bills. Through
dating we remember the reasons why we got married in the first place, and it
gives us a time to enjoy ourselves amongst the rougher parts of life. It is
important to struggle together but even more important to play together.
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