Developing a Romantic Relationship

The beginning of a relationship can often determine the direction in which the relationship will head. As a young single adult the idea of love is wonderful! We see it portrayed in Disney movies, romance novels, and other people’s instagrams and facebooks every day. We picture love as that happy ever after everyone talks about. However, in our haste to find true love we often pass up the real thing.

Love isn't something you just “fall” into, as many would say. 

“True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. 

Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lusts are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is not deeper than arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting that the time it takes to speak them” (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, 1975). 

It has been found that many of the best relationships are built upon an already existing friendship. When I met Mike, my husband, we both had a dozen walls built up between committing to a lasting relationship. I had been in “love” before and had my heartbroken, so I wasn’t too hasty to commit to something. Mike hadn’t had many committed relationships and had a fear of committing to them. So as luck would have it, we were able to build a relationship before jumping into marriage.

We did things together which deepened our relationship and friendship with one another. We were in an institute class which helped us see one another’s perspectives on the gospel; we played basketball and baseball which helped us determine how competitive the other was (we are both EXTREMEMLY competitive btw); we went on road trips and hikes and pushed each other’s limits. We put each other in uncomfortable situations sometimes to see how the other would react when they were out of their element. Each of these things helped us to better understand one another which ultimately led to a loving relationship. I love the quote by Orson ScottCard which reads, “I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”

So now that you are friends and you believe you are starting to fall in love, how do you determine if you have the real thing ahead of you? Noller provided a list of things which compare immature love (the teenage love) versus mature love (endurance).

The emotional part of love: Noller stated that in immature love people are possessive, jealous, infatuated, preoccupied, and anxious. Reading this makes me wonder where I started out. I am pretty sure that I was anxious every time I saw Mike for the first few months. I was definitely preoccupied as I had no attention for homework or anything else for that matter. Not to mention I was jealous of everyone who got to spend time with him when I didn’t. I think it is important to remember, however, how long this stage lasts, those feelings of jealously and preoccupation proves to be quite a negative influence after a while.

Mature love consists of lasting passion, a desire for companionship, and a warm feeling of contentment. I was talking with a friend one time who stated that she really liked a Boy A but couldn’t help thinking about if Boy B would ever come back. I told her that when you commit to marriage you don’t care about Boy B, but are content with Boy A. You commit to marriage when you are perfectly content with your choice and it doesn’t matter who comes running back to you because you are happy with your choice.

The belief part of love: Immature love consists of rose colored glasses, love is external to us, “cupid’s arrow,” and that love is beyond your control. Mature love consists of something you decide to have, it means commitment, trust, sharing, and sacrifice. A friend in college told me that you don’t marry someone because you can’t live without them, but rather, although you could live without them, you choose to live with them. No one is perfect, and those rose colored glasses come of very quickly after marriage, however, if you have a mature and abiding love for that person, those things don’t matter because of your commitment to that person.

Lastly, the behavior of love: Immature love is consistent of selfishness, lustfulness, concern for satisfying your own needs, clinging, being over-dependent, and demanding obedience from your partner. I am not sure how any relationship which consists of these things lasts for more than a day! Mature love consists of creating an environment for growth and development, as well as allowing your partner space for growth.

When Mike and I were first married we wanted to be with each other every second of every day. Real life hit us quickly upon our return home from the honeymoon, however, when we were welcomed back with the beginning of a new semester, as well as both going back to work full-time. Real life was exhausting but rewarding in its own ways. Instead of being jealous of the people Mike got to work with every day (like I was when we first started dating), I was excited to hear about his day and what he learned and how he was growing and developing. A person needs space, and after marriage, that doesn't change. You have committed to live your life with this person, not every second. While you should still be true and faithful to your spouse every second, you don’t have to spend them in the same room or on the same activity. It is good to have individual hobbies and interests, if not, I feel we would get bored of each other.

Most importantly, be selfless. The first great commandment was to love God; and right behind it was the commandment to love your neighbor. In marriage your neighbor sleeps on the other side of the bed from you. Love your spouse, serve them each day, show genuine interest and support for them and support them as the learn and grow throughout your lives together.