Fidelity

There are only two people who we are commanded to love with all our heart, God, and our spouse. We are commanded to love God with all our “heart, might, mind, and strength,” and we are to love our spouse with the same conviction. With this conviction we promise to be complete faithful to our spouse.

The world is not perfect in this view, however, and has struggled with infidelity for ages. Infidelity presents itself in a variety of ways; fantasy and visual, as well as romantic and sexual.

Fantasy infidelity involves fantasizing with someone other than your spouse such as “what if I was married to so and so,” or “how would life be different with so and so.” Fantasizing can happen with someone in your imagination, a celebrity, or someone you have met online. Many people claim this might be harmless since no physical infidelity has occurred. President Spencer W. Kimball stated otherwise when he stated that when love wanes or dies, “it is often infidelity of thought or act which gave the lethal potion. There must be no romantic interest, attention, dating, or flirtation of any kind with anyone [outside the bounds of marriage]” (Kimball, 1969).

Visual infidelity is rampant in the world today. We live in a day in which good is portrayed as evil, and evil as good. Many people promote and even encourage pornography stating that they can’t satisfy the needs of their husband, so why not allow them to look at pornography, at least they aren’t physically having relationships with anyone else. What a horrible and harmful ideal to have within a marriage. I don’t believe that there have been any medical studies out there which have proved that a man without sexual stimulation will die or become ill (please, prove me if I am wrong). Never sell yourself short, sexual intimacy is to be had between a husband and wife as a form of love and bonding, not as a means to satisfy urges. In Matthew 5:27-28 the Lord tells us “I say unto you, that whosoever looketh upon a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Romantic infidelity is when you become attacked emotionally with another person besides your spouse. How boring would marriage be if you only handled the bills and chores together but looked elsewhere for your relationships? Marriage is an all-in-one package complete with friendship, love, trust, and burdens. It isn’t fair to your spouse to leave all the dirty work within the marriage and then take your romance elsewhere. Husband and Wife are to leave their Father and their Mother (and may I include their best friends, and collegues) behind, and to cleave to one another. This does not mean that you cannot have friendly relationships with anyone besides your spouse or that you are to cut all previous ties with anyone and everyone. It means that you should keep your emotional relationship between you and your spouse. Depend on one another and maintain your romantic relationship.

Sexual infidelity is obvious. It is the most serious and harmful form of infidelity. Fantasy, visual, and romantic infidelity if not quickly controlled and corrected can lead to sexual infidelity. Veon Smith warned, “Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it is difficult to stop.”

In order to prevent infidelity set boundaries for yourself. Decide right here and now what you would do if faced with temptation. Determine where your boundaries are in order to keep you and your spouse safe. Secondly, be fiercely loyal. In school we used to say clench tight, knuckles white. Hold to one another and decide that nothing will come between you and your spouse.

The world today would make you believe that happiness can be found outside the bounds set by the Lord. The Lord has declared, however, that wickedness never was happiness. Let us be careful in all that we do and say, let us control our thoughts, and be faithful to our spouse. Continue to love and grow in your relationship through continual courtship and selflessness.

The Foundation of an Eternal Enduring Marriage

We live in a culture where “people have learned to discard everything from paper plates to spouses” (Bateman & Bateman, 2003). Stephen Duncan and Sara Zasukha developed six Foundational Processes that will lead to marital success.

#1—Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

Mormon’s have a slightly different look on the Marriage agreement than the rest of the world. We look at marriage between a man and a woman as a covenant between husband, wife, and God. Elder Bruce C. Hafen (2005) stated, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the others.”

#2—Love and Friendship

Expressing love is not the same as “being in love.” Expressing love involves action and commitment. Love becomes a habit within marriage by continually serving one another. True love often emerges from friendship. Mike is not only my husband, but also my best friend. He is the one I go to after a stressful day, and especially on my best days. We not only have a romantic relationship but also a fun one which involves dancing and laughing daily. Maintaining that friendship after marriage is important. It is so easy to get caught up in daily life full of homework, bills, and chores that it is important to remember why you got married in the first place.

#3—Positive Interaction

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Once you are married those rose colored glasses come off quickly and you begin to realize all the small stuff you once ignored. These thoughts can negatively affect the way you interact with your spouse, and if allowed to deepen can truly threaten your marriage. Instead of focusing on the bad, focus on the good. There are a lot of great things to learn about your spouse once you get married. Mike surprised me once we were married by how determined he was in school and what a good student he was. He spends hours upon hours studying for a test, when I never had that kind of attention span. Mike is always quick to pray when we need help and direction, and he never says no or turns down an opportunity we have to attend the temple. When I step back and realize all of the wonderful things about Mike, I quickly forget all the bad things. In marriage, and in life, try your best to make every interaction positive. Express love often in your thoughts, actions, and behavior.

#4—Accepting Influence from One’s Spouse and #5—Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

I grew up in a wonderful home with “goodly parents,” and I thought things were done perfectly in my home. When I got married I had to accept that my ways were not always the right ways. Decisions are difficult to be made when each are set in their ways. Speaking of Mikes awesome studying skills; when Mike studies for a test he will study for days and weeks in advance, yet, before every test he stays up until one, two, or even three a.m. studying for his test. I used to get so upset with Mike, telling him that he needed his sleep, especially the night before a big test. He disagreed, however, and thought it was more important to study as much as possible. When I stepped back and let down my pride I realized that maybe I was wrong. While logically it makes sense that getting your sleep before a big test is the best key to success, I realized that Mike was acing all of his tests, and then would come home, take a nap, and be ready for the day again. Sometimes (and most of the time in marriage) we need to let down our pride and accept influence from our spouse.  

#6—Continuing Courtship through the Years

My husband and I are both obsessed with the medical field; I am a nurse and he is studying to become a physical therapist. The medical term “atrophy” refers to the loss of muscle over time as a result of lack of use. A relationship and marriage works the same way as a muscle in the body, without constant use and exercise it can waste away. This is why courtship and dating is so important after marriage. My husband and I find a variety of things we do together in order to continue our courtship and have fun with one another to distract us from everyday problems. A few of the things we love doing together include watching the TV show Bones, taking drives up the canyon and watching movies in the back of our pickup truck, going out for dinner, and going to the dollar movie. Our dates aren’t extravagant and often cost little to no money, but it is important for us to spend one on one time together, away from the cares that home life involves such as doing homework and paying the bills. Through dating we remember the reasons why we got married in the first place, and it gives us a time to enjoy ourselves amongst the rougher parts of life. It is important to struggle together but even more important to play together. 

Developing a Romantic Relationship

The beginning of a relationship can often determine the direction in which the relationship will head. As a young single adult the idea of love is wonderful! We see it portrayed in Disney movies, romance novels, and other people’s instagrams and facebooks every day. We picture love as that happy ever after everyone talks about. However, in our haste to find true love we often pass up the real thing.

Love isn't something you just “fall” into, as many would say. 

“True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. 

Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lusts are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is not deeper than arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting that the time it takes to speak them” (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, 1975). 

It has been found that many of the best relationships are built upon an already existing friendship. When I met Mike, my husband, we both had a dozen walls built up between committing to a lasting relationship. I had been in “love” before and had my heartbroken, so I wasn’t too hasty to commit to something. Mike hadn’t had many committed relationships and had a fear of committing to them. So as luck would have it, we were able to build a relationship before jumping into marriage.

We did things together which deepened our relationship and friendship with one another. We were in an institute class which helped us see one another’s perspectives on the gospel; we played basketball and baseball which helped us determine how competitive the other was (we are both EXTREMEMLY competitive btw); we went on road trips and hikes and pushed each other’s limits. We put each other in uncomfortable situations sometimes to see how the other would react when they were out of their element. Each of these things helped us to better understand one another which ultimately led to a loving relationship. I love the quote by Orson ScottCard which reads, “I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”

So now that you are friends and you believe you are starting to fall in love, how do you determine if you have the real thing ahead of you? Noller provided a list of things which compare immature love (the teenage love) versus mature love (endurance).

The emotional part of love: Noller stated that in immature love people are possessive, jealous, infatuated, preoccupied, and anxious. Reading this makes me wonder where I started out. I am pretty sure that I was anxious every time I saw Mike for the first few months. I was definitely preoccupied as I had no attention for homework or anything else for that matter. Not to mention I was jealous of everyone who got to spend time with him when I didn’t. I think it is important to remember, however, how long this stage lasts, those feelings of jealously and preoccupation proves to be quite a negative influence after a while.

Mature love consists of lasting passion, a desire for companionship, and a warm feeling of contentment. I was talking with a friend one time who stated that she really liked a Boy A but couldn’t help thinking about if Boy B would ever come back. I told her that when you commit to marriage you don’t care about Boy B, but are content with Boy A. You commit to marriage when you are perfectly content with your choice and it doesn’t matter who comes running back to you because you are happy with your choice.

The belief part of love: Immature love consists of rose colored glasses, love is external to us, “cupid’s arrow,” and that love is beyond your control. Mature love consists of something you decide to have, it means commitment, trust, sharing, and sacrifice. A friend in college told me that you don’t marry someone because you can’t live without them, but rather, although you could live without them, you choose to live with them. No one is perfect, and those rose colored glasses come of very quickly after marriage, however, if you have a mature and abiding love for that person, those things don’t matter because of your commitment to that person.

Lastly, the behavior of love: Immature love is consistent of selfishness, lustfulness, concern for satisfying your own needs, clinging, being over-dependent, and demanding obedience from your partner. I am not sure how any relationship which consists of these things lasts for more than a day! Mature love consists of creating an environment for growth and development, as well as allowing your partner space for growth.

When Mike and I were first married we wanted to be with each other every second of every day. Real life hit us quickly upon our return home from the honeymoon, however, when we were welcomed back with the beginning of a new semester, as well as both going back to work full-time. Real life was exhausting but rewarding in its own ways. Instead of being jealous of the people Mike got to work with every day (like I was when we first started dating), I was excited to hear about his day and what he learned and how he was growing and developing. A person needs space, and after marriage, that doesn't change. You have committed to live your life with this person, not every second. While you should still be true and faithful to your spouse every second, you don’t have to spend them in the same room or on the same activity. It is good to have individual hobbies and interests, if not, I feel we would get bored of each other.

Most importantly, be selfless. The first great commandment was to love God; and right behind it was the commandment to love your neighbor. In marriage your neighbor sleeps on the other side of the bed from you. Love your spouse, serve them each day, show genuine interest and support for them and support them as the learn and grow throughout your lives together. 

Pathways to Eternal Marriage

We live in a world today which is plagued with divorce and heartbreak. Many of you have grown up in families affected by divorce. For many, this has created pessimism of marriage, feelings of high aspiration but low expectation. These low expectation lead to hanging out and hooking up, or living together outside of marriage. What is lacking which could lead to a happy marriage?

One: Becoming the Right Person for Marriage

Elder Bednar said it quite directly when he stated the following—

            As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, “Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?” As though they have some checklist of, “I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.” And I rather forcefully say to them, “You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three of four of five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?” The “list” is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. (Bednar, 2009).

Chelsie Clarke Photography

In order to attract the right qualities you want in another you had better start working to develop those qualities yourself. In order to find the right person to marry, you need to be the right person yourself. Marriage is comprised of two individuals who can each bring something wonderful to the marriage, but first, they must be themselves.

Two: Reality Check, Marriage isn’t about YOU.

            President Kimball explains this principle perfectly—

“There is a never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage; but like all formulas, the principal ingredients must not be left out, reduced, or limited. The selection before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two.”

Chelsie Clarke Photography

President Kimball's first step in the formula is to the necessity for “the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals. And then those two parties must come to the altar in the temple realizing that they must work hard toward this successful joint living.”

Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Courtesy of Jamison Elizabeth Photography

Fourth, there must be a complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ. (Kimball, 1977)

Courtesy of Jon Adams

Ultimately it all comes down to you. How can you expect to have a healthy and happy marriage if you, yourself, are not committed and have healthy habits and attributes individually? As I stated earlier, a healthy marriage is comprised to TWO healthy and happy individuals. In order to prepare for marriage, stop making your checklist of what you want in a future spouse, but rather, become the kind of person that someone else is looking for. Develop a true testimony and relationship with your Heavenly Father; becoming loving, kind and selfless; and live the commandments as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.